A Lifelong Learner

I am a lifelong learner.  Maybe that's pretentious of me to say as I'm not quite 40 years old yet.  Maybe I need to rephrase it and say that I plan to be a lifelong learner.  I hope to be a lifelong learner.  I pray that I might be a lifelong learner.

The more I learn, the more I realize that I have yet to learn.  The more I learn, the more I realize how much I don't know.  I'm not so sure I embrace Solomon's words in Ecclesiastes 1:18, "For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief."  Although, I do understand the sentiment.

As one who loves to learn new things, I need to constantly ask myself, "Why do I want to learn new things?"  It's an honest question that demands honest answers.  It's easy to seek knowledge and wisdom to lord it over people.  It's easy to seek knowledge and wisdom because it makes you look smarter.  It's hard to seek knowledge and wisdom to seek to better yourself and others around you, with no significant benefit or advancement.

Ironically, I have never been very fond of academic types.  I have run into too many professors over my three degrees who seem to have lost their passion for teaching minds thirsty for knowledge, that is, if they ever had that passion to begin with.  At the same time, I have had some incredible professors who were gifts from God.  Had I not crossed paths with them, I wonder whether or not I would have made it through some of the seasons that I went through.

Part of learning is teaching, at least it's always been that way for me.  Having just posted my 200th blog, so much of what happens here is a sharing of the things that I have learned in life.  That's probably one of the great reasons for me to continue as it provides an opportunity for me to share with others who might find something beneficial in what I say.

I certainly don't claim expertise on the things that I write on.  Writing is hard as there are no voice inflections nor any body language with which to interpret the words that are "heard."  It's too easy to have something misconstrued or misunderstood, but that's a risk that I am willing to take.  I've been taken the wrong way more than once and I am sure I will continue to be misunderstood, but my heart's desire is to learn and help others do the same.

The moment that we stop learning, we have either given up, we've decided to take a break for a season, or we have simply said that we have learned all that we need to, we know enough.  Every situation and experience is an opportunity to learn, to better one's self.  It provides for a way for God to teach us a new lesson, a new thing, to grant us wisdom that we may have been praying for.

My prayer for myself and all who read this is that we may approach every day as another opportunity to learn new things.  The beauty of grace is that we have new chances to get things right, and every day provides us with such.  May we all seek that grace but not uselessly expend it but take advantage of it that we might be different tomorrow than we are today.

Here's to learning!

Happy 200th Post

It's hard to believe that nearly 4 years ago, I followed the advice of my wife and some others who urged me to start this blog.  I'd heard about blogging before but never really thought that I had time or anything worthwhile to say, at least not enough to be regular with a blog.  In the midst of the craziness of life, I started this blog.

It was June of 2009, a year after I had started seminary.  Now, it's 2013 and so much has happened.  Seminary is behind me, I lost my mother nearly 2 years ago, and my father's health is failing, I'm not sure how long we will have him for.  In spite of all of the craziness of life, I am thankful to God that I have had this blog as an outlet.  It has helped me through so much of the struggles that I have had and I hope that as I have shared, something that I have said has made an impact on some of the readers that I have reached.

I know that there aren't many people who read this, but I certainly appreciate all of you who do.  Thank you for your support and encouragement over the years.  Thanks for taking an interest in the way that I have expressed myself.  Thanks for recommending the blog to friends, for reposting the posts on Facebook, or retweeting my tweets on Twitter.  I am grateful for all of you.

As I look to the future, I hope that I can be more consistent with this blog and that I might gain some more readers in the midst of it.  I hope that God will continue to use me as I share about my own experiences on this journey through life.  Thanks again for reading and may God richly bless you!

Squeaky Wheels

"Squeaky wheels always get the grease."  How many times have I heard that phrase?  More than I can count, and many times, it's not always said in the most favorable light.  Squeaky wheels aren't always looked upon with favor but rather with disdain.  They can be loud, disruptive, annoying, and just generally unpleasant to be around.  While I hope it's not often and it's far from pleasurable to do so, I can be one of those squeaky wheels when I need to be.

I guess that a sign of age is that you begin to utter the phrases that you once heard your parents utter to which you yourself responded, "I hope that I never say that!"  Of course, in our youth and immaturity, we oftentimes find that the very utterances of our parents were much more wise than we ever gave them credit for and far more forged under the fires of experience than we ever expected.

Over the last few years, I have found that our world begs us, if not forces us, to be our own advocates.  There are few who will advocate for us, especially when it comes to healthcare, education, and financial services.  While I have met those who will be an advocate for me, more often than not, I need to be my own advocate, I need to be a squeaky wheel of sorts.

This certainly became apparent while my mom was going through her battle against cancer and has become even more apparent as my dad has made his own journey through declining health.  I've seen it with my own children and with the children of friends who don't quite fit in.  I've experienced it myself as I have had to keep tabs on my own progress through seminary as I, the renegade, chose to make the journey along a path less traveled with little guideposts along the way.

I was so thankful to have completed my seminary coursework 6 months earlier than anticipated.  This was especially monumental as I started the program off slower than my classmates.  I had made a decision that I would not spend more than 1 week away from my family even though the program required me to be gone for 2 weeks at a time.  When I knew that all would end well with my classes, I realized that I had but one last mountain to climb: my statement of faith.

I am a communicator.  I am a planner.  I am an arranger.  People joke about the color-coded spreadsheet that tracked my journey through seminary.  As much as they joke, there is no way that I would have been able to do what I did had I not so carefully tracked what I was doing, where I had been, where I was going, and what I needed to get there.  I started working towards my statement of faith about 6 months before I knew that it would be due.  I waited with anticipation for news of who would be tracking with me along this last leg of my journey.

As soon as the news came, I emailed those who would be overseeing the process to alert them that I wanted to fast-track the process.  While others would be taking a long journey through this last leg of the process, I wanted to get it done as fast as I possibly could.  My emails were met with no response, so I simply proceeded as if they were at least read.  First mistake.

Over and over throughout the process, I did my best to communicate to those who were overseeing this last leg and my progress through it, but I got no response.  I don't like to be ignored, was I being ignored or had my emails been misplaced?  Could so many emails get misplaced?

When my frustration finally hit a certain point, I called a friend who had been instrumental in me being in the program that I was in.  I explained the situation and she encouraged me to be a squeaky wheel.  I did what she told me and within a few days, not only had the process begun to move, but it went through such a fast-track that it was completed by the end of the week.

So what did I learn through all of this?  I learned that if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.  Don't give up.  It might seem like you are being ignored, it might seem as if no one is listening, but if what you say and what you need are as important as you think that they are, keep saying it and keep doing it until someone finally hears and acknowledges your voice.

I also learned about the importance of being a squeaky wheel.  Like I said, we need to be our own advocates, and that's exactly what I did.  There are times in life when we need to make ourselves known, to add some "squeak" to ourselves in order to be heard.  I guess it can be a good gauge for us to know whether or not we think that what we are trying to achieve is important enough.  If we feel that we are bothering people by advocating ourselves, perhaps what we are trying to achieve is not as important as we originally thought that it was.

As the years go by, I will find myself needing to be an advocate for myself and my family more and more, but I also need to be aware that there are others out there who have no advocates.  I need to listen and pay attention, hear the voices of those who are crying out and in need of advocacy.  It's easy to relegate assume that these people are only found in places of economic and social destitution, but having grown up in the suburbs, I know from experience that there are those within the suburbs as well who are desperately in need of advocates, of those who will take time to listen and stand up for them. 

Sometimes we need to stand up and be squeaky wheels for others.  Are we taking the time to listen and hear those who might need us to do just that?

Starting Out

Yesterday, a friend challenged me in the best way possible.  My recent blogposts have been challenging.  This friend was asking me some hard questions about what I was doing not only to challenge others but actually model those challenges myself.  While it wasn't the most comfortable conversation because it required some serious self-reflection on my part, it was necessary.

Throughout the rest of my day, I kept thinking it through.  The biggest struggle that I have found sometimes is just starting out, finding the best point to kick things off.  The reality is that it requires humility, which if we're all honest, we struggle with.  So, I've got to start small and do what I can do.  The problem is that I want results yesterday, I don't want to wait for them.  It takes time and intentionality to improve.  Sometimes the task seems so insurmountable that the idea of starting somewhere is simply intimidating.

More than once in the last few months, I have been told that I have no margin in my life.  This didn't come as a shock to me, I was pretty aware of it before anyone had brought it to my attention.  I have been working on a second Master's degree for 4 years and that ends in December.  I have been dealing with the death of a parent as well as the health struggles of the other parents.  There have also been more than a few challenges in my day to day ministry work.  While I am not naive enough to believe that the world changes in December when I finish my degree, I do know that things will be different afterwards.  Margin will not create itself though, if I want it, I have to find a way to make it.

In the meantime, I'm going to not only encourage others, but do my best to be challenged myself and model this.  It won't be easy, but in the end, it will be worth it all.  Not only is humility required, but time is as well.  I need to be intentional about finding time and space for conversations with people.  Conversations generally grow out of relationships and those take time to build.

As I think this through, I'm reminded of Dan Fogelberg's song "Along the Road."  I think the lyrics are an appropriate place to end this post.  We're all on a journey, hopefully we're learning as we go.  I hope that I am a different person than I was yesterday.  I believe that I can't do it on my own, but with God's help, I can do all things.  Hopefully, we can all meet somewhere along the road.

Joy at the start, fear in the journey

Joy in the coming home.

A part of the heart gets lost in the learning

Somewhere along the road.

Along the road your path may wander

A pilgrim’s faith may fail.

Absence makes the heart grow stronger, darkness obscures the trail.

Cursing the quest, courting disaster,

Measureless nights forebode.

Moments of rest, glimpses of laughter

Are treasured along the road.

Along the road your steps may tumble,

Your thoughts may start to stray.

But through it all a heart held humble levels and lights your way.

Joy at the start, fear in the journey

Joy in the coming home.

A part of the heart gets lost in the learning

Somewhere along the road.

Somewhere along the road.

Somewhere along the road.

The Journey Is Near Its End

This week has felt very surreal to me. I left on Sunday after a morning where I didn’t lead music or preach. I had the privilege of spending the day with my family before I set off on my trip. I got pretty confused after landing in Chicago as the flight attendant announced the wrong time, and since my watch and phone were still on East Coast time, I panicked, thinking I had very little time between flights.

This is my 8^th time out to St. Paul, Minnesota since the summer of 2008. So much has happened in that time. I remember the night before I flew out, we were staying with my parents in Connecticut. We were only a family of 3 at the time, getting ready to be a family of 4 in a few short months.

As I near the completion of this journey, we are a family of 5. My parents moved to Williamsburg and my mom was diagnosed with and succumbed to cancer in the span of 6 months. I have been thrown so many curveballs in the midst of this journey that you would really think that I would be an expert at hitting them by now. But when life throws curveballs at us, I’m not so sure that we get good at hitting them so much as we adjust to the circumstances that change.

This is the first time in all 8 of my trips that I have actually driven while I was out here. I have been fortunate enough to have had friends drive me around and had never needed a car. Yet in the midst of this new freedom, I have had 2 exams to study for, so I have not had the time or energy to go sightseeing in the evenings. One exam is done while the other one isn’t until Friday.

As close as December is, it still feels a million miles away to me. I still have a long journey between here and there. While I was never really guilty of succumbing to “senioritis” while in high school, college, or graduate school (the first time around), I have felt more than just nudging or pulling since January. I feel as if I will be one of those marathon runners who barely gets over the finished line, bloodied and beaten, merely able to muster the strength and energy to collapse after the 26 mile journey.

There have been so many incredibly supportive people in the process. My church has been a great support to me. People have spoken words of kindness and encouragement to me through the process. The missions team has helped to financially support me. My colleagues have opened up their libraries to me.

My wife has had to endure a few Valentine’s Days without me, and although we’ve never been big on the day ourselves, I know it’s been hard. She’s taken on the task of caring for our incredible children. She has supported me, prayed for me, endured me, comforted me, loved me, and just been a friend through the process. I don’t know what I would have done through all of this had I not had her by my side.

The rest of my family has been great as well. My brother has constantly told me how proud he is of me. My dad has continued the Friday night conversations that we used to have while my mom was alive and I was driving home from my D.C. class. But as the journey comes to a close, it does feel a little incomplete without my mom. With all of these instrumental people in my life, it’s hard to think that she didn’t have a large hand in getting me to the place where I am. She bragged about me and all that I was doing.

I have come pretty far and I still have a long way to go. The end is almost in sight, but I sure am looking forward to collapsing after I cross that finish line though. Thanks for all of your prayers and support, all of you who have done so. Please continue to do so. I am forever grateful.