Although not
many people may talk about it, when a loved one dies after a long illness or
battle, there is a sense of relief that comes for family members. It may not be overwhelming and it certainly
doesn't lead to ecstatic feelings, but it's relief nonetheless.
In the 2 weeks
since my dad died, I have come to realize just how on edge I had been. I was sleeping with my cell phone next to my
bed. I was like a cat in a room full of
rocking chairs every morning as I waited for the phone to ring to tell me that
Dad had fallen or, worse, that he was gone.
There was a constant anxiety of what to do, when to go see him again, of
not being able to do enough.
In my trips
back and forth to Williamsburg since Dad passed away, I have pondered about my
state as I have driven. Over the last 2
years, so many of the trips that I have taken over to Williamsburg have been taken
in uncertainty. I had no idea what I was
going to face. The times that I took Dad
to the doctor or out to lunch, I wondered how engaged he would be. As I drive over these days, there is none of
that feeling, just a feeling of relieved emptiness.
The problem is
that the process can't be complete and finished for a while. Now starts all of the legal affairs that need
to be settled. Set things up for the
estate. Settle all of the
insurance. Clean out the house and get
it on the market. It's helping me to see
some helpful things that I can do for my own family to simplify things for
them.
A year ago
this month, my father's cardiologist told my aunt and I that he thought my dad
had weeks. That was a fairly difficult
blow to me. While I knew that he was not
doing well, it hardly seemed so imminent.
I decided that I was going to do my best to simplify things. So, as morbid as it sounds, I went over to
the funeral home that we had used for my mom and pre-planned Dad's funeral. They made things fairly simple for me and I
thought that it would be much better to do it all while I was not in the throes
of grief. I never told my dad.
I like
closure. I can't handle too many
unresolved things hanging around in my life.
I've gotten much more flexible as I have gotten older. Being married and having kids has that impact
on people. 2013 has been a
"hanging" year for me. There
are a number of things that need resolution that might not come for some
time. I just have to live with them and
make the most of what is before me.
That's kind of
the way life is though. Does anyone ever
feel as if there is a constant state of resolution and relief in their
life? I have a hard time projecting that
and I think that it might be a pipe dream, so I won't get my hopes up. Roll with the changes, isn't that what REO
Speedwagon says?
Today is a new
day. 2013 will come and go, but I can't
wish for it to end. Wishing your life
away is a surefire way of missing things, letting things pass you by. I do not want to regret missed
opportunities. I don't know what
tomorrow brings, heck, I'm not even sure what will happen today, but does it
matter? My responsibility isn't to know
everything, it's to trust the One who does.
If I really believe in the sovereignty of God, it's time to put my money
where my mouth is and live it out.
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