Confessions

I have a confession to make.  Sometimes I doubt.  Sometimes I doubt that God exists.  Sometimes I doubt the call on my life.  Sometimes I doubt that life has a purpose.  Sometimes I doubt there's much worth doing at all.

Some people might think me a heretic for those doubts.  Some people might condemn me for that.  Some people might write me off and wonder how I can be an effective pastor having had such doubts.

But...

Some other people are drawn to this.  Some other people find life in knowing that there are others who struggle and doubt.  Some other people will be moved at my ability to be honest and authentic.

Recently, Rick Warren lost his youngest son to suicide.  Amidst all that he has gone through, he tweeted this:

I only hire staff who've been hurt deeply. People who've never suffered tend to be shallow and smug about other's pain.

How true he is.  Some of the people that I love most deeply are ones who have lost and hurt and suffered.  A friend who lost his 6 month old son.  A friend who lost his 2 year old daughter.  A friend who has watched their wife suffer and stood by her through her decline.  These are the people who move me, or who God uses to move me.

I would dare say that these very people have also doubted.  They have most likely sat in the stern of the boat during a storm and wondered at the outcome as the storm raged around them.  They have watched the whirlwinds turn about them and questioned whether there was salvation for them in the midst of it all.

I have doubted.....

but.....

I have never stayed there in my doubt.  The writer of the book of Hebrews writes, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."  I will only stay in my doubt if my eyes remain on me, but if I lift them up to the One who gives salvation, I can rise above that doubt.

I do not doubt today, but I will doubt again.  When I do, I will not apologize, but I will be confident that the One who provides hope and assurance will lift me out of my doubt and show me salvation.

Just the Facts

I've always been a big X-Files fan.  A few years ago, I did a post called "The Truth Is Out There" (you can read it here).  But I've been thinking a lot about truth again.  I guess it's not the worst thing in the world to continue to come back to in spite of all the lies that surround us daily.

I've been hearing a lot of things that are untrue recently.  It's actually been that way for a little while and I wonder how to combat these things with truth.  The thing is, finding the truth is not always dependent on me, but rather on the one who is seeking it, if they are seeking it at all.  Sometimes, to be honest, it's just easier to fill in the blanks ourselves without even trying to find the truth.

The truth takes time to uncover.  It's a commitment when you search for truth.  Sometimes you might discover things that you didn't want to discover.  You might be faced with information that's uncomfortable and hard.  Seeking truth is not something to be embarked upon without seriousness and humility.

What often happens is that not only do people not seek truth, but they spread the information that they have as truth, regardless of the fact that it's not true.  Sure, there are times that people might pass on information that they thought was true that turns out to be false, but I wonder what the percentage of circumstances in which this happens.  I don't imagine that it's very high.

Passing on information that is untrue is gossip at best, lying at worst.  That's why it's important to get the facts.  But, like I said, it takes time.

The Book of Proverbs gives us wisdom for our journey.  It's peppered with verses about truth and lies.

Proverbs 12:17 "An honest witness tells the truth, but a false witness tells lies."

Proverbs 12:19 "Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue lasts only a moment."

Proverbs 14:25 "A truthful witness saves lives, but a false witness is deceitful."

I know that there have been times that I have operated under assumptions or false information.  I didn't take the time to seek out truth and I reaped the consequences of that.  I got lazy, I chose the easy path rather than the difficult one of seeking truth.  All of us are prone to do the very same thing if we're not careful.

Here are a few practices that I have found helpful in seeking out truth:

1) Firsthand information is the best.  Too often, we readily accept information from second, third, or fourth hand voices rather than hearing information firsthand.  Remember the old game "Telephone?"  The further away from the original voice we get, the more potential for distortion of the original message.  If you get information that comes from anyone other than the original source, do your best to get back to the original source and find out what the truth is.

2) Don't assume everything you hear is true.  We all have our biases and we all have people whom we trust without batting an eye.  We need to be careful to not always assume that everything we hear is true.  Many jokes have flown around about how if you found it on the internet, it must be true, and we all know the danger of that.  Make sure you verify what you hear.

3) Finding truth comes in speaking truth.  One of the easiest ways for us to be truth seekers is by being truth speakers.  In other words, we need to speak the truth.  How reliable are our words?  Do people trust us and the things that we say?  Do they rely on our words to be truthful?  One of the greatest ways to combat against untruth is by telling the truth ourselves.

None of this stuff is easy, if it were, the world would be a much different place.  But change starts small and it starts with us.  Can we be ones who seek out truth, who seek out "just the facts" or will we be guilty of spreading information that's wrong?

Ironed on the Outside

It’s funny the images that come back to me as I get older.  One thing that I always remember my mom doing while I was growing up was iron clothes.  It was such a consistent mark of who she was that I would regularly call her “Ironing Irene.”    She was always well put together and would make sure that everyone in her family would not go out in public with wrinkled clothes on.

I remember as a kid in elementary school being made fun of by a classmate because of the creases in my pants from my mom’s ironing.  I went home and told her about the abuse that I was taking and she told me to go back and tell the kid that at least your mother loves you enough to iron your clothes.  Ahh, the feisty side of Mom that would come out when you least expected it.

Mom taught me how to iron, and while I am not nearly as meticulous as she was, I will still set aside an evening to iron clothes when I get the chance.  I have not had many chances lately, but it’s actually somewhat of a therapeutic activity, similar to how some people would describe gardening.

While my family was away on vacation, I pulled a shirt out of my duffel bag and realized that there was no way that I could go out in public wearing the shirt as it was.  I needed to iron it.  So, I went into the closet of the house where we were staying and found an iron and ironing board.  I took a few minutes to get that shirt looking good enough to wear outside of the house.

As I began to iron the shirt, I started thinking about the message that ironed and pressed clothes convey to people.  If your clothes are ironed or pressed, it seems that you are trying to convey a message of responsibility to people.  Of course, if you are the mother of young kids, ironing can’t really be on your radar, otherwise you might end up in an emergency room with a visit from Child Protective Services.  To this day, I’m still not exactly sure how my mom was able to accomplish what she accomplished with two young boys.

But ironing can be misleading.  There are plenty of times when I put on clothes that are freshly ironed and make myself presentable, but deep down inside, I feel like going out in rags because that would better describe exactly how I was feeling.  What would happen if the way we dressed on the outside really reflected our emotions inside?

Jesus had some pretty harsh words for people who were very meticulous about how they looked to people but were covering up what was really going on inside.  In Matthew 23:25-28, he said to the Pharisees, “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.  Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.  Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites!  You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.  In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.”

It’s really easy to cover things up by putting it in a pretty package.  In this highly political season that we are in as a country, we are certainly experiencing this firsthand, it’s all about revealing truth and covering up the not-so-glamorous reality, but that’s another story.

I’m not suggesting that we all dress exactly how we feel, though it might make for some interesting conversations around the water cooler or coffee pot.  I am suggesting that we do our best to be consistent.  There are definitely times when we want to temper our emotions and not let others know what’s going on inside, but we need to be careful of not keeping so much of who we are and what we are feeling inside.  Do we really want people to know who we are or are we afraid what they’ll think of we reveal too much?

My own experience has shown me that people have always appreciated when I shoot straight with them.  They appreciate the “what you see is what you get” approach towards life.  I know that there are a lot of places that God is still working on me, molding and shaping me, but I’m pretty confident that He calls me to be real, truthful, and honest, letting others see that what’s inside comes out.  I don’t want to be a whitewashed tomb, covering up what’s going on inside.  I want people to know who I am and not feel like they’ve been duped.  I don’t want to present myself as all ironed and wrinkle-free on the outside when I’m really broken and imperfect on the inside.