Free Advice

Have you ever noticed how as soon as you encounter a dilemma or decision in your life, there are people around you, regardless of the depth of your relationship, who will weigh in with their opinion of what you should do? There are some people who are resident experts in everything, at least in their own minds. People like that are usually to be avoided.

There are 3 Proverbs that stand out to me in regards to counsel and advice:

Proverbs 11:14 says, "For lack of guidance a nation falls, but victory is won through many advisers."

Proverbs 12:15 says, "The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice."

Proverbs 15:22 says, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed."

Counsel is something that we should seek, but we need to be cautious from whom we accept that counsel. Anyone with a strong opinion about a subject will weigh in on it. Think about the topics that you are passionate about and I am sure if you overheard a conversation by people who you knew, casually or more deeply, you may have a tendency to rush in with your two cents regarding the issue.

There are certain topics in life that are harder than others for people to contain their opinions. Politics. Religion. Child-rearing. These issues (and many more) raise high emotions in people. Some people get worked up and it's difficult to try to reason with them. Some people have developed their opinions over time, through constant questioning and a process of testing. Other people have had too much education for their own good. In other words, everything they needed to know, they learned in books and there has been no praxis in the development of their opinions. It's important to know who you're hearing from in the midst of advice giving.

Lately, I have come to a place where I am seeking advice, but it seems that some of the people who have weighed in on the subject are people from whom I would rather not hear. I have even come to the point of questioning their education considering that their advice seems to conflict with what mainstream academics might suggest.

My father always used to tell me that advice that was not asked for is advice ill-received. In other words, if you shell out advice that someone didn't ask for, chances are, they're probably not going to take it and may even resent you for giving it to them in the first place. I have done my best to abide by that simple truth by prefacing any advice that I might consider giving with a question to the recipient, determining whether or not they are really seeking advice or if they are just using me as a sounding board. Sometimes people just want to talk, or vent, and sometimes, they really are seeking advice. If I know what they're looking for up front, everyone will be better off in the end.

I have been missing my mom a lot lately. Mom had experience. She lived 72 years of life and seen many things. I was always convinced that she had a sixth "Mom" sense that gave her the ability to know when I was doing something wrong. She raised two boys who turned out pretty well. She endured the challenges of being a minister's wife for over forty years. She cared for the things with which she was entrusted. She made the most of every dollar that she had, stretching it out further than most people that I know. Sometimes she would offer advice about something that I wasn't really asking for, but that was a major exception rather than the rule. Most of the times when I would call her, I had purposed to gain some insight and wisdom from her experience in a particular matter. A lot of times, she understood without even asking whether I was seeking advice or if I was just using her as a sounding board, venting my feelings.

Much of what I know and have learned, I have learned from watching other people. My brother and I have joked that he was the one who would have to experience something to learn from it and I was the one who would learn from his experiences. I have said that the difference between knowledge and wisdom is that knowledge means you have learned from your mistakes while wisdom means you have learned from the mistakes of others. I am a watcher of people, gaining insight and knowledge wherever I can find it from people who I watch and who I trust. Yes, I have learned from mistakes of others, but I would much rather learn from their successes than their mistakes.

Advice is a tricky thing though. There are probably some simple rules that we could follow in doling out and taking advice. I have come up with 5 rules (there are probably a ton more, but 5 seemed like a good, round number) to follow in regards to advice, whether giving or receiving.

1. If you paint yourself as an expert on a subject, you darn well had better be, because if you're not, it will come back to you. There's nothing worse than a resident expert who doesn't know Jack about what they're talking about. The worst kind of "experts" are the ones who think that they are experts when in reality, they might not be much smarter than a 5th grader. If you give advice as an "expert," do it with humility and know what you know so you know if you're really an expert. It never hurts to tell someone that what you are about to say or have said is your opinion and even tell them how you came about forming that opinion. It will give them insight into the process in which you arrived at the advice you are giving.

2. ALWAYS verify that the advice that you are giving is advice that was asked for rather than free advice that might be resented later on. There are probably exceptions to this rule with younger children, but at some point (and I know my day is coming down the road with this one) children need to make decisions, wrong or right, and be faced with the results of those decisions. If someone legitimately wants your advice, they won't hesitate to be honest with you about this. If you notice any hesitancy whatsoever, probably best to just let them talk it out with no interference from you.

3. Be careful who you listen to. Sometimes well-meaning people can give out bad advice. There's nothing spiteful or intentionally misleading about it, it just happens. I certainly found this out as I observed and experienced the grief of others as well as my own grief. Some people give advice, particularly in difficult or awkward circumstances, that would best be ignored. In fact, some of it might be so bad that you should just go ahead and pretend that you never heard it to begin with. In the words of Charlie Sheen, you'll be winning! Make sure you have a pretty good handle on who it is that is giving you advice. If worse comes to worse, you can always say, "Thanks, I appreciate your concern. I will consider that." Then you can walk away and pretend you never heard it and they'll be none the wiser. Probably not a good idea to tell them they don't have a clue what they're talking about, unless they're in danger of corrupting others into drinking that tainted Kool-Aid or something like that.

4. Find a handful (3 or 4) of good people that you trust, preferably who have at least a little more life experience than you, and use them as your "sounding board." I have been blessed with a wife who is younger than me who is great at being my sounding board. She has a lot of wisdom and insight and I would be a fool not to listen. Plus, she has background in family systems and counseling, I guess that makes her an expert, although she might not admit it. I also have a few friends who I trust that can speak honesty into my life. A friend and colleague preached a sermon a few weeks ago about having people around you who have the ability to "edit" your life. In other words, they can speak truthful words to you in ways that you will receive. They can tell you when you're wrong, when you're off base, when you're being an idiot. Very good advice. When you find friends like this, hold onto them for a lifetime. They are invaluable.

5. Never underestimate the power of prayer in the midst of seeking advice. James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." God is more than willing to give us wisdom, be it through His word or through other people, if we simply ask for it. I put this as #5 because it's the most important one. If someone offers you something free, simply for asking, especially when that someone happens to be the God of Creation, it's probably a good idea to take him up on the offer.

I still have a lot to learn. My advice giving and taking will be challenged more and more in the days ahead, but I hope to learn from my mistakes and be able to celebrate my achievements in the area. I still miss my mom, a woman of wisdom, prayer, and discernment. I've reached for the phone a number of times in recent days, only to realize that my phone call would be futile. Thankfully, I do have others around me, they're not the same, but they certainly have wisdom and advice that they are more than willing to impart upon the likes of me.

I'm sure you can come up with at least 5 simple rules of your own. They could even be better than mine. However you approach advice giving or receiving, it's probably a good idea to make sure you have an approach, it'll save you a lot of headaches in the end. No one is an island, we weren't created to be alone, we were created for community. Take advantage of that every chance you get, especially when you need it most.

Strange Days

There are some days when I feel like I'm living outside of myself. Either outside of myself or in an alternate universe. Everything seems so surreal that it's hard to put it all together and make sense of it. It's almost like looking at one of those kids' books where you have to try to figure out what doesn't belong in a picture or what the subtle differences are between two separate but similar pictures. Today has been such a day for me.

The morning felt sort of timeless to me. I had a late start and before I knew it, it was 10:30. I had hoped to get out of the office to work on some stuff, free of distractions. Christmas is coming and I still have a lot of planning that I need to do. My usual lunch meeting was postponed until tomorrow and so I went home to see if the family could go and enjoy Moe's Monday.

The best of intentions sometimes fall flat. The boys have been in rare form since the addition of their sister to the mix. Any attempt to go out in public with them may have ended in disaster or an arrest, so we put that idea behind us and enjoyed some leftovers from all the incredible meals that people have been bringing us since the birth of my daughter.

Starbuck's was my destination for the afternoon. It seemed like as good of a place as any to set up my computer and take advantage of the free wi-fi available there. I anticipated the afternoon slouch and thought that some good, old-fashioned caffeine may be just what the doctor ordered to rescue me from my potential afternoon slumber. So off I went.

As I sat at the light, ready to turn into the plaza where Starbuck's is, I looked on the median and noticed a guy with sign who I had seen before. He looked kind of scraggly and skinny. Not sure if he had showered or eaten much lately. I had just preached a sermon a few weeks ago about taking notice of the people around us, people who need a touch from Jesus. One of the things that I had mentioned in the message was blessing bags that some of the women in our church had been handing out to people that they had encountered. They are bags filled with some essential toiletries as well as some snacks.

Realizing the potential during the sermon, I asked the congregation to hold me accountable. It's kind of hard to shirk your responsibilities when you have 600 people asking you how you've been doing with something. In fact, one family gave me some prepared blessing bags to hand out to people. So, those are sitting in the back of my car.

When I saw this guy though, I realized what I needed to do. I quickly found my parking spot and made a B-line for Dairy Queen, which was across the street. I wasn't going to just throw this guy money without some kind of personal touch. We've been going through a sermon series called "Story" lately, talking about instances in the Gospels where God's story intersects with humanity's story. I wanted to find out this guy's story and I wasn't going to do it impersonally.

I bought a meal combo and walked over to the median. I introduced myself and told him that I had bought him lunch. I asked him his name and his story. He told me his name was Cory. He and his girlfriend had been living in a neighboring county in a house, but they lost their jobs and could not afford the house any longer. They had been living in a hotel for $42 a night and were unable to find work. I asked him if I could pray for him and he agreed. I told him that I would see him again, and I am sure I probably will.

I left the median with a mix of emotions deep inside. There was a part of me that thought, am I trying to assuage my own guilt for having as much as I have? There was another part of me that probably wanted to pat myself on the back. But what had I really given up? A few dollars and a few minutes of my time. Was it really a sacrifice for me? I kept thinking about something else I could do. I don't want to be guilty of the touch-and-go mentality of things.

I went into Starbuck's, enjoyed my hot coffee, listened to my music, and worked on the planning that I needed to work on. When I left to head home, Cory was still there. He'll probably be there for a while longer.

I am not a hero. There is nothing special about me. All that I did was what I would hope someone would do for me. It's much harder to ignore people like Cory when you try to imagine walking a mile in their shoes. I can't imagine where I would be and how I would respond if I were in his shoes. I still need to figure out what I can do, because faith without works is dead. I'm not saved by what I do, but if I really believe what I say I do, then shouldn't it show in how I live my life?

I drove into my comfortable neighborhood and walked into my house. I was greeted by my family and all the stuff that I have accumulated. I was reminded of a song by Matt Maher called "Heaven Help Me" where he sings, "I don't want to stand for justice if I'm not among the poor." Those were tough words that hit me in the gut.

As my kids ran out the door to go play at the neighbor's house, I heard someone "singing" on the road. I realized it was a young man who was listening to some hip hop artist. Not sure who it was, but this kid didn't have a problem reciting all of the words in a very audible voice as he walked through the neighborhood. I snickered to myself at the irony of the situation. I wondered whether or not his life even closely resembled the life of whoever had written the song that he was singing.

Now I sit in front of my computer, still snickering about the hip hop and yet feeling uncomfortable about my encounter with Cory. I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring. I'm not sure whether I will see Cory tomorrow. I do know that my eyes can no longer be closed to the things and the people around me. I might not be able to change a lot of things, but I can change me, and right now, that looks like the best place to start.

Father of Three

It's been about two and a half weeks since my daughter was born. We are doing our best to adjust to the new "normal" around our house. Every morning as I sleepily rise from my bed, I wonder why I am so tired. Then I remind myself that although my wife does the feeding, it usually wakes me up throughout the night.

It's funny though, just as people had told us, girls are so much different than boys. In fact, I had just told someone the other day that if we had a girl first and then had our boys, we might just have had one. Not sure that we would have been prepared for what was to come if we had a girl first.

I remember when my oldest son was born. We were living so far from family. Although we had a lot of people within our church that acted as family, it's just not the same. I think that was more readily apparent with my wife, although she really didn't make a big deal about it. Her mom flew down within a day of the baby being born.

But there was a connectedness among our family, just the three of us, that bound us together. I remember how proud I was to hold my son. I remember how my wife and I cried and held each other as we stared at our little bundle under the bili lights that he needed to stay under to help his jaundice. The world was new and surreal all at the same time. Everything that we encountered was a new experience that was met with part fear and part excitement.

When my second son was born, we had been living in Virginia for almost a year. There was more hesitation in me than I cared to admit, at least outwardly. We chose not to find out whether the baby would be a boy or a girl and so on delivery day, it was again a surprise to us. I held my new son with the awkwardness that a middle school boy holds his date at the first dance. I just wasn't sure what I was going to do with this baby.

I knew how to change him and hand him to my wife to be fed, but deep down inside, I wasn't sure that I could handle it. I remember thinking how much I loved my oldest son. I wasn't sure that there was room in my heart to love this one the same way, and frankly, I think that I was a little scared. I didn't know that I would be able to spread myself over these two incredible little boys. Would I be able to love them equally?

In the first months after he was born, I remember him crying a lot when I would hold him. I would immediately tell my wife that it was just proof that he really didn't like me. I was really trying to justify my own feelings inside. But somewhere, sometime, something happened and it all changed.

I can't remember when it happened, but somewhere along the way, I fell in love with that little boy. Maybe it was because I was praying so hard. Maybe it was that my heart grew three sizes that day, like the Grinch. Whatever the reason, I know that the result was that I loved both of my boys the same. Yes, they are different, but the love that I have for them is incomparable.

Needless to say, with all this trouble over #2, I was beginning to wonder what my reaction might be to #3. Throughout the entire pregnancy, I kept asking myself whether I was crazy. If I wasn't sure that I had room in my heart for 2, how could I even think that I had room in my heart for 3?

But the pregnancy was a time of distraction for me. At the same time that a new life was growing within my wife, my mom was reaching the end of her life. Having gone through pregnancies twice before and waiting until delivery day to find out whether it was a boy or a girl, we decided to find out this time. I kept telling people that I was getting too old for surprises.

I think deep down inside I knew that it was a girl. With everything going on with Mom, I should have figured that it would be. Although we were still shocked when the news ultrasound technician told us that it was a girl, deep down inside, we both probably felt like that was a sign to us that Mom would not be around long.

Like I said, I was distracted during the pregnancy. I was trying to come to grips with the fact that my mom would not be around for a long time. I really didn't take a lot of time trying to figure out how I would find enough love in my heart for a third child. But God knew what he was doing...like that's a surprise. The anxiety that I had going from 1 to 2 wasn't really there when I went from 2 to 3.

Now, we're trying to find our groove. We are a family of 5. Somehow, there was enough love in my heart for all 3 of my kids. I'm not going to push my luck and see what happens with 4 though. But every night, when everybody's sleeping, as I lean over my kids, kiss them, and pray for them, I think about the love that God has for us. His children number way more than 3 and his heart is big enough for all of us.

I am blessed. Sometimes I wonder what I've done to deserve all that I have when others struggle to make it to the end of the day. I do my best not to forget that and to thank God every moment that I am reminded of it. Sure, I have faced difficulties in life, but so has everyone. I do believe that much of what we face is a result of living in a fallen world. Paul's words to the church in Rome in Romans 8 have helped me tremendously. I am thankful and I am grateful.

When I kiss my kids, I rub noses with them too. It was one of the last things that I experienced with Mom. The night she came home from the hospital, we sat on the couch and I told her some things that I really needed to tell her. I told her I loved her, she opened her eyes, and we rubbed noses together. Since then, every time that I do it with my kids, I am reminded of Mom. My daughter has my mom's name as one of her middle names, but I know, there's a part of Mom in all of them. Just knowing that helps me to know for sure that there's enough love in my heart for all 3 of them.

Seniors in the Church

As I have probably mentioned in previous posts, one of the biggest transformations in my theology and thinking since entering into full-time vocational ministry and then seminary is my view of the role of the Church. I continue to wrestle through what role the Church has in the lives of the people who are part of it. The Church is the only organization that SHOULD focus its attention and resources on the people who have not yet come to be a part of it. I'm pretty sure that the percentage of churches that actually do that is smaller than most church-going folks would be willing to shamelessly admit.

As a people watcher, it's very interesting to watch people as they interact within church. It's also interesting to hear certain comments and complaints from people. People's perception becomes their reality and the lens through which they view the world. It doesn't necessarily matter to them that their perception is wrong, if it's their perception, it seems right to them. I'm not advocating relativism, all that I am saying is that people's perception has a huge impact on their view of the world, and in this particular case, the Church.

Both in my last church and in my current church, I have had the privilege to work with our senior adults. At my last church, I went into it kicking and screaming. I admit, I needed some shaping and molding of my attitude because I only saw it as an inconvenience and a time waster. Boy did they show me. In fact, when the time came for me to leave that church, one of the groups that I missed the most was that group of seniors who had taught me some invaluable lessons, lessons that I will not easily forget.

When I came to my current church, the pastor who had been there for 20 years had been leading a hymn sing with the seniors once a month. When it came time for him to leave, he said that he wanted me to take over for him. Thankfully, God had done some work in me and I seized this opportunity as a blessing and privilege.

Of course, I haven't regretted a moment of it. When my mom died nearly three months ago, some of the seniors to whom I minister came all the way to Williamsburg (not a big trip for a younger person, but an hour drive for seniors is a bigger commitment) to show their love and support to me and my family. In fact, every month when I meet with them, it's almost like I get to spend a few hours with my grandparents...the good kind of grandparents, not the cheek-squeezing and scolding kinds, but the "can I spoil you a little more" kind.

My hesitation to get involved with seniors when I first entered ministry was due to things that I was hearing people say about them. It seemed like I was hearing a lot of complaints from "them." Upon further probing though, I found out that it was never really the seniors that were complaining, it was always someone else complaining on behalf of the seniors. It was almost as if people didn't think that they could speak for themselves, which seemed fairly ironic to me.

The irony really came in the fact that there was a growing perception and concern that they weren't being cared for, loved, and appreciated and that there was nothing for them. I thought it odd that the people who were bringing these concerns felt that they needed to be the voicebox of people who were perfectly capable of speaking for themselves. In fact, by not allowing them to speak for themselves, was that taking something away from them?

As I spent time with the seniors, I tried to reconcile the complaints that I was hearing with what I was experiencing in my time with them. They didn't seem to add up. Not to say that they would always tell me everything, but I was not hearing from them what I was hearing from others. As a learner and people watcher, I observed and watched to see what I could understand and learn.

I came to the conclusion that as long as the seniors felt that they were being cared for and loved and felt that they were still a vital and integral part of the church, they were pretty tolerant. They might not always like changes that would occur, but there is hardly a demographic within the world who has experienced more change than seniors. They know that it is an inevitable part of life, what they are concerned with is that people at least inform them of the changes that take place, let them know what will be happening so that it doesn't come as such a surprise to them. Communication is vital and it needs to be two-way communication, allowing them to work through their thoughts and feelings about the change.

The other part of the conclusion was the realization that the seniors were still an important and vital part of the church. The problem seemed to be that so many of the ministry opportunities that were presented to the overall body were focused on things that were much easier accomplished by younger people. In order to allow for these seniors to still remain active, it becomes necessary to think outside the box. This thinking isn't something reserved to the church staff either, it's a two-way street, everyone needs to be part of it.

Seniors have more available time during the day than most other people within the Church. There are things that can be done by them that can't be done by anyone else just by the nature of their availability. A lot of the ones that I have worked with love to make phone calls and encourage people with cards and words. There is the opportunity for them to be "Paul" to so many young "Timothy"s within the Church.

As my mind pondered over this, I decided to try something. It's strictly in an experimental stage right now, but I will be anxious to see how it goes. Starting in January, we will have a new class of students who will be going through the confirmation process in our church. I decided that I would bring the list of these students to our seniors to allow them to "adopt" them. They could write them notes, send them cards, make phone calls to them, and just be encouragements to them as they journey through this process. They can be an important and vital part in the spiritual formation of these young people.

Like I said, I'm anxious to see how it goes. Regardless of how it goes though, I know that there will be some seniors who will know that they are still valued and that they still have something to offer to God's Kingdom work. I am hoping that out of this, there might be other thoughts about ministry opportunities for the seniors. No one ever retires from working for God, regardless of how old they are or how little they might think that they have to offer. All it requires is a little "out-of-the-box" thinking. I can only hope that one day, when I'm much older, that I will find opportunities to serve the Lord. The opportunities might not be what they used to be, but I'm sure that they will still serve an important part in the overall body of Christ.

Next time you encounter seniors in your church, if you've struggled with where they fit, try looking at them through a different lens. Remember that they might not be able to do some of the things that you can do, but they also have a lot to offer that you can't. The collective wisdom among them is a resource that desperately needs to be tapped into if we are to avoid allowing history to repeat itself within the Church. If you think that they just sit around, sing hymns, dream of days gone by, and expectantly await Christ's return, maybe it's because they've not been given the opportunity to serve in a way that better fits their abilities and stage of life.