Starting Over

I started this post on my computer and was going to name it "The End is the Beginning" only to find out that I had used that exactly title 9 months ago.  It seemed like an appropriate title again as I just completed work on my second to last quarter of seminary.  In a little bit more than a month, I will be taking my last two classes to complete my degree.

Ironically, there are tears of sadness and heartache welling up in my eyes as I write this.  One would imagine that the tears that I would shed would be tears of joy, especially one who knew what the last 18 months of my life have held.  But there is a sadness there because of the ending of a long journey.  I imagine that when the last keystroke falls on the last page of my last paper of seminary, I will feel a similar emotion, except probably magnified by at least ten times.

The end of something, for anyone who sincerely wants to continue moving forward, signifies change.  Life will change for me again when December comes.  Things will be different, but different does not mean bad, it just means different and lends itself to new opportunities.

I was struck by my conversation with a friend who shared a recent experience of being away and unplugged for a few weeks.  He claimed that once everything was stripped away, there was no place to hide.  He could not hide in his work.  He could not hide from his family.  He had a choice to face or flee from reality.  I have a similar choice before me.

As I reflected on the title of my blog the other day, I realized that I probably have not confessed as much on here as one would expect from a blog titled "Confessions of a Recovering P.K."  I thought long and hard about why that was and the truth is, it's probably to protect others besides myself.  My father, the pastor, has not been in good health since my mom died.  In reality, he has not been in good health since long before then, especially when you consider that health extends far beyond our physicality and reaches to our spirituality and our mentality.

When my wife and I lived in Asheville, North Carolina, we began to notice a trend in my father.  He and my mom would come and stay with us for a week at a time.  As the week went on, we noticed a change in his demeanor as the day of departure grew near.  He would begin to disengage, to pull back from activities and isolate himself.  It almost seemed as if it were a defense mechanism from the pain of leaving. 

As we all age, there is a distinct realization in us that we are not guaranteed anything.  Years ago, when my aunt died, I vividly recall my parents dropping my wife and I at the airport after the funeral.  As I began to say good bye to my parents, that realization came over me and I was overcome with emotion.  I began to sob as I held my mom in my arms.  Fortunately, I had some years after that to enjoy, but the reality was too strong for me to deny.

The isolation that I observed in my father is present within me, we have the same DNA.  I can easily isolate myself or immerse myself in something that will take me away from the present reality that I should be facing.  If I am not careful, good things can pull me away from what is great in my life.  I could easily find myself withdrawing in an attempt to protect my feelings and emotions.  The right thing to do is not necessarily the easy thing to do.  As I've heard many people say before, "If it were easy, everybody would be doing it."

But that is the beauty of grace to me, it's like a Mulligan.  We get a "do over."  We acknowledge our mistakes, but we get back up on the saddle and try again.  Failures don't define us, they make us who we are, stronger and better if we learn from them.

December will be an end of sorts for me, but it will also be a beginning.  I will start over.  Something will finish but something else will begin.  I don't know what it is, but I can feel the murmurings of newness within me well in advance.  Aslan is on the move, but who's paying attention.  Who's looking to see where He is going, how He's moving?

Opportunity awaits.  Fresh starts lie just around the corner.  Will we run towards them or away from them?  I'm looking forward to what's lying just on the other side.

Reading vs. Skimming

As I near completion of my seminary degree, I become even more introspective than I have been.  I have seen much value in the formative process of education in myself.  While I have learned a lot in the process, I have come to a keen realization that I have so much more to learn.  Education is helpful, but I will not fall into the trap of thinking that education comes through institutions of higher learning alone.

One skill that I have honed throughout this degree program is the capacity to skim versus read.  With hundreds and hundreds of pages to read every quarter, it becomes a necessity to read things for the main points, seeking the parts that stand out above the rest.  Word by word reading can get one bogged down in ways that are limiting.

Not only does our higher education demand such a cursory reading of materials, our culture and society does as well.  I was meeting with a friend yesterday and came to the realization that this is the way that we live.  Every day, we are inundated with information, too much to be able to process on a finite level.  This requires us to skim what is before us rather than reading for details.

When was the last time that you signed a loan form or a form at the doctor’s office and actually read every single word that was in the document that you had signed.  When you receive an application for a credit card and sign it, do you really read every word within the agreement?  Do you read all of the terms of agreement on every document placed before you?

Now take it to a more personal level.  Do you read every word of every email or letter that is sent to you?  As I conversed with my friend yesterday and asked myself that question, I was struck by the honest to goodness truthful answer.  No, I don’t.  And at the moment that I realized that, I realized how crucial that it is to do my part to understand and grasp things that are being sent to me.

When I give things that are sent to me a cursory reading or skimming rather than actually paying attention to what is being communicated, I have more of a tendency to read it through my own lens, coloring it with my own preconceived notions, prejudices, and stereotypes.  We all do this, some more than others.  If you legitimately think that you don’t, I would go back and compare your reading of something with someone else’s to prove the point.  You might be surprised at the things that you might have read into something.

What’s the key to success in this area?  That’s the journey that I am on.  I would gather that the first step is to slow down.  When we are hurried and rushing about from here to there, reading messages on our smartphones, we will be more apt to miss things or, worse yet, misunderstand things.  Someone recently told me that they dislike email for that reason.  They said that they would much rather pick up the phone, or go down the hall and talk to someone.  Of course, that doesn’t eliminate completely the possibility for misunderstanding, but it certainly can help.

I have read and heard that more than 60% of communication can be non-verbal, when we eliminate the non-verbal, are we communicating as effectively as we could?  No, but there are times when we have no choice.  I don’t have the opportunity to sit in front of everyone who reads this and explain it all face to face.  While I settle for the opportunity to post this on the internet, I understand that I also run the risk of being misunderstood.  Face to face or via written communication, that risk will always be present within our imperfect world.

I need to learn to slow things down, especially in communication.  I am working on reading more deliberately and carefully, understanding and acknowledging that I have not always done well with it.  If I’m not heeding my own advice, I certainly can’t criticize others for doing likewise.  I need to realize the fast I read, the greater margin for error that there is.  I need to shrink that margin, how about you?

Strange Things

It’s amazing what you can find on the internet.  It generally doesn’t take much to find it either.  Videos trend.  Links are posted.  Fingers type, and we can discover some pretty interesting stories.  The media world has changed from what it once was.  What was once considered newsworthy and what it considered newsworthy today are drastically different.  I am still amazed at the things that we consider “news” in our country and even more amazed at the fact that I (and others) actually spend time reading these things.

It sort of reminds me of the movie “So, I Married an Axe Murderer” with Mike Meyers.  His mom is on the Garth Brooks Juice Diet, something she picked up from the National Enquirer, which she considers to be “news.”  I often think that we have followed a similar route in our understanding of what is newsworthy and what is not.

All this to say, I found a story this morning that caught my attention.  Apparently, there is a holiday in Singapore called National Night.  Singapore has been having issues with declining fertility and they are encouraging people to have babies.  It seems as if they are potentially offering incentives for people to have children as well.  Mentos has sponsored a video, which can be seen at this link: http://whatsnext.blogs.cnn.com/2012/08/07/video-urges-singapore-couples-to-make-babies-now/?hpt=hp_c2.  If you are easily offended, I wouldn’t recommend watching it, it’s not for the prude.

I read CNNs article about this and watched the video and I was unsettled as I recovered from what I had just read.  Apparently, the literature encouraging people to have babies includes the disclaimer that this recommendation only applies to “financially secure adults in stable, committed long-term relationships.”  Well, I’m sure those are the only people who are exposed to the video and information, right?

Ron Howard made a film called “Parenthood” back in the 80s.  Steve Martin and many other well-known actors and actresses were in the film.  It’s one of my favorite comedies because of its poignancy.  There are a lot of great insights in the film that Howard hits on the head as you see the good, the bad, and the ugly of parenting.  A young Keanu Reeves is in the film as the rebel boyfriend of a single mom’s daughter.  He seems like a burnout, but he’s actually a pretty nice guy.

In the midst of a conversation with his girlfriend’s mother about her ex-husband, her son’s father, he tells her about his experience with his own father.  He says, “You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming a-----e be a father.”  That line has stuck with me ever since I first saw the film because it just holds so much truth to it.  There are little to no requirements for someone to procreate, anyone can have a kid if they have the time, the resources, and the right equipment.  But should just anyone have a kid?

As a pastor, I have seen my share of broken relationships.  I have heard more than once of couple who are in the early stages of their marriage who begin to experience difficulty.  In an effort to stay together, they attempt to get pregnant, thinking that’s going to be the glue that holds them together.  Not really sure what “Life Manual” they read to give them that kind of impression, but I think that the opposite would be true. 

Children are not for the skittish or the weak hearted.  They are not toys or play things that help us feel better about ourselves.  Children test your resolve, they push the limits of what you thought you were capable of and sometimes have you question why you had them to begin with.  And all of that’s just in the first 2 or 3 years.  I personally haven’t even ventured into the teenage years yet.  As much as that’s the case, I wouldn’t change it for the world.  I’m a better person because of my children and all of the things that they have taught me, but I’m not naïve enough to think that this is the case with everyone who has children.

“Making babies” as this video promotes, is not something to enter into simply because you’re trying to fix a population problem.  Children are a gift and responsibility, often a right and a privilege, but never should they be conceived and born simply to fix a problem, they’re worth so much more than that.  That’s not even speaking to the appropriateness of a nation’s getting fairly personal with its people either.  Regardless of the recommendations and disclaimers that they may tag on to this, it’s pretty likely that someone’s not going to take those to heart.

My heart is for the children.  We have enough children in this world who are not supported and loved by parents, not sure that we should recommend adding more to that number.  I’m all for having children, I have three of my own, but don’t do it because a country, a family member, or anyone else told you to have them, do it because it’s what you want.  Maybe I’m reading too much into what’s happening in Singapore, what do you think?

Something's Coming

As I was driving in my car the other day, I came to the realization that in less than a month, my oldest is going to kindergarten.  We will enter a whole new world as school calendars and schedules will suddenly run our lives.  Every day we will wait out by the bus stop, which conveniently resides about 50 yards from my front door.  I’m not going to sit here and say something like, “it feels like yesterday that I was changing his diaper” though.  In some ways, it seems like it’s been a while since the picture above was taken.

People have been telling me since before my son was born that time flies.  I’ve pretty much taken them at their word, they’re generally older and wiser than me.  There is an intentionality with which life seems to be lived in anticipation of time’s fast progression.  My son will turn six this year and I feel like we’ve had some pretty good times together since he was born.

While I won’t say that I felt that the years went slowly, I don’t feel like I’ve blinked since he was born.  Much has happened in my life since then.  We’re in a new state.  I’m in a new job.  I’m almost done with a second Master’s degree.  My mom is no longer with us.  I have 2 additional children.  Life just isn’t the same anymore, and that’s okay.

I heeded the advice of those wise ones who had forewarned me about the flight of time, but they didn’t warn me that with each subsequent child, it seems to fly by faster.  As I think about my son starting kindergarten and turning 6, it seems a little bit more believable than the fact that my daughter will turn 1 next month and my other son will turn 4 two days before.  I guess the more of you there are the more time is spread out and the fast it seems to go.

I have constantly had to remind myself of time’s fleeting progression, especially when my patience runs thin.  When I am  called out from my studying or from enjoying  a movie and beckoned to join one of my boys in their beds, I remind myself that there will be a day when they won’t be so willing to cuddle with their dad or even be seen with me.

Kindergarten awaits and time doesn’t stop.  There’s nothing I can do to slow down the clock, but I can do my best to be intentional about the moments that I have.  Instead of complaining that time flies, I think I’m just going to go hug my kids, tell them how much I love them, and take advantage of whatever comes our way today.  Tomorrow’s a new day with new opportunities, but for now, I’m just going to focus on today.  In fact, I think I’ll take advantage of the fact that I can play “Life’s a Happy Song” on my computer as I type and it will act as a digital Pied Piper, inviting my children to come and sit on my lap as we sing along and laugh.

Starting Out

Yesterday, a friend challenged me in the best way possible.  My recent blogposts have been challenging.  This friend was asking me some hard questions about what I was doing not only to challenge others but actually model those challenges myself.  While it wasn't the most comfortable conversation because it required some serious self-reflection on my part, it was necessary.

Throughout the rest of my day, I kept thinking it through.  The biggest struggle that I have found sometimes is just starting out, finding the best point to kick things off.  The reality is that it requires humility, which if we're all honest, we struggle with.  So, I've got to start small and do what I can do.  The problem is that I want results yesterday, I don't want to wait for them.  It takes time and intentionality to improve.  Sometimes the task seems so insurmountable that the idea of starting somewhere is simply intimidating.

More than once in the last few months, I have been told that I have no margin in my life.  This didn't come as a shock to me, I was pretty aware of it before anyone had brought it to my attention.  I have been working on a second Master's degree for 4 years and that ends in December.  I have been dealing with the death of a parent as well as the health struggles of the other parents.  There have also been more than a few challenges in my day to day ministry work.  While I am not naive enough to believe that the world changes in December when I finish my degree, I do know that things will be different afterwards.  Margin will not create itself though, if I want it, I have to find a way to make it.

In the meantime, I'm going to not only encourage others, but do my best to be challenged myself and model this.  It won't be easy, but in the end, it will be worth it all.  Not only is humility required, but time is as well.  I need to be intentional about finding time and space for conversations with people.  Conversations generally grow out of relationships and those take time to build.

As I think this through, I'm reminded of Dan Fogelberg's song "Along the Road."  I think the lyrics are an appropriate place to end this post.  We're all on a journey, hopefully we're learning as we go.  I hope that I am a different person than I was yesterday.  I believe that I can't do it on my own, but with God's help, I can do all things.  Hopefully, we can all meet somewhere along the road.

Joy at the start, fear in the journey

Joy in the coming home.

A part of the heart gets lost in the learning

Somewhere along the road.

Along the road your path may wander

A pilgrim’s faith may fail.

Absence makes the heart grow stronger, darkness obscures the trail.

Cursing the quest, courting disaster,

Measureless nights forebode.

Moments of rest, glimpses of laughter

Are treasured along the road.

Along the road your steps may tumble,

Your thoughts may start to stray.

But through it all a heart held humble levels and lights your way.

Joy at the start, fear in the journey

Joy in the coming home.

A part of the heart gets lost in the learning

Somewhere along the road.

Somewhere along the road.

Somewhere along the road.

Let the Conversations Begin...

As expected, after my blogpost on Chick-Fil-A, there are some people who understand me better, some people who feel the same, some people who still dislike me, and others who just completely misunderstand where I am coming from.  I think that's pretty much gonna be the case for most of my life.  While I consider myself a fairly good communicator, I completely understand that each and every one of us looks at the world through our own lens, colored by experience and belief.  That lens often has a way of changing our viewpoint simply because of the nature of experience and belief.  I feel like my goal is to do the best that I can to allow my lens to be as objective as possible.  Not that experience and belief don't shape how I see, but I want to be able to be open to at the very least understand where someone else is coming from.

My wife received a message from a friend who seemed curious and even concerned with how we might perceive her had we known that she ate at Chick-Fil-A on Wednesday.  My heart sank when my wife told me about it because I hate to be misunderstood and I felt like that may have been the case.  But it's been stuck in my head ever since my wife shared it with me and I just keep rolling it over in my head, wondering how it is that we got here.

My week seems to have been full of short and long conversations with people who are ideologically different than me.  Someone questioned me the other day about some claimed differences within our denomination that they did not understand.  As I sat and listened to her wonder about what the differences may be, I also wondered to myself how many conversations had been entered into with others whose views differed.  I don't say that as an accusation at all, in fact, it's a two-way street that seems to have turned one-way.  I'm not completely sure when the "Two-Way Traffic" sign was removed and replaced with a "One Way" sign, but it happened.

I don't mean two-way traffic in a non-absolute way but rather in a conversational way.  Conversations need to be two-way streets, allowing both sides to travel along the path of conversation in hopes that they might be able to understand each other a little bit better by the end of the conversation.  I don't expect that the direction of traffic might change by the end of the conversation, but I do expect a level of education to have been achieved as both directions slow down long enough to explain to the other why they're going the way that they are going.

When we enter into conversation to try to convince people, it seems that we take an element of care, concern, and love out of the conversation.  When we enter into conversation to understand, it seems that our defenses come down and we actually seek to learn.  Frankly, I'm fairly tired of people who claim to be open-minded and yet when the sticks come down, they show through actions and sometimes words that they are open-minded to anything as long as it does not conflict with their own seemingly open-minded ideas.  I'm also tired of the idea of taking a stand in polarizing ways.

Back to this whole Chick-Fil-A thing, I think it says something about both sides that when one side stages an endorsement day of the company, the other side decides to "one-up" the other by staging a different type of endorsement day altogether.  Is this what it's come to, playground politics where I say, "I'll show you" and then I do my best to make sure that I somehow go a little further than you did.  It kind of reminds me of the scene in "A Christmas Story" when Ralphie and his friends are gathered around the flagpole in the middle of winter.  They taunt and tease each other and the competition escalates to a "Triple Dog Dare."  It's as if all that we want out of the situation, from both sides, is to "win," whatever that means.

I haven't hesitated in the past to verbalize my beliefs, but I do my best to try and understand that everyone does not see things the way that I do.  I have a strong sense within me of what's right and what's wrong, but I know that not everyone holds to those same beliefs.  I have found that it has been way more effective for me to graciously converse with people about our differences rather than simply tell them, "You're wrong and I'm right," whether I say it like that or not.

When we come out with generalizing statements, regardless of which "side" we claim to be on, there will inevitably be some who are not defined by such statements who will take exception to the categorization.  I'm fully aware that we're all guilty of this but it needs to stop.  If you are a Christian who holds to the teaching of Scripture as I do, maybe instead of toting signs and staging protests, you ought to get to know someone whose view differs.  Begin a conversation with them and find out what they believe and why they believe it.  If you enter the conversation because you legitimately care, they will appreciate it and may even give you the opportunity to explain what and why you believe what you believe.

Likewise, if you support a different view in which Scripture plays no part, maybe you can find someone who breaks the generalizations that our media loves to emphasize.  Find someone who holds a different view and who is willing to engage in a conversation with you, both of you might learn something in the process.

While I've learned a lot over the years, I still know that I've got a whole lot more to learn.  One thing that I do know is that amiable and intelligent conversations don't happen across picket and protest lines, but they do happen across coffee tables.  I might not be able to change all that, but I can certainly change what I do in hopes that others might follow suit.  At the very least, there will be a few of us who will engage in some beneficial conversations, and who knows, we might just learn something.

Standing Firm or Flaunting It

This past Wednesday was designated “Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day” by some who wanted to show their support for the fast food chain.  I may or may not have eaten at Chick-Fil-A on Wednesday.  Frankly, where I eat is not really a matter for social media, at least not to me.  Social media was lit up with all kinds of comments on both sides of this whole debacle over Chick-Fil-A and the comments made by their president, Dan Cathy.  It looks like people enjoyed their meals but I was a bit confused by some of the comments that were made, even the ones that were as simple as, “I ate at Chick-Fil-A.”

There are a few things that trouble me on every side of this issue, the first of which is consistency.  There are many people who have cried out for boycotts against Chick-Fil-A because they see them as intolerant and bigoted for simply stating their convictions.  Having read Cathy’s comments, I got no sense at all that Cathy was indicating that he would not hire or serve anyone whose viewpoints or lifestyle differed from his, he was simply stating his beliefs and convictions about marriage.  That being said, while I was not surprised at such a strong outcry against Chick-Fil-A, I was fairly disappointed.  In regards to consistency, I just wonder if everyone always checks to make sure that they agree with all of the beliefs and convictions of every company that they support.

My experience is that we are not a nation or even a generation of allegiance.  Brand loyalty is not nearly as strong today as it once was.  Nowadays, it seems to be wherever the better deal or service can be had that draws people.  I look at a company like Amazon.com who has been criticized for their business plan and the way that some of their workers have been treated.  I have read articles that claim that they have been less than hospitable to workers who had health issues or problems, firing them without any kind of safety net beneath them.  Have the good people who have seen fit to boycott Chick-Fil-A researched the companies that they support well enough to know that they do not support anything that runs contrary to their own beliefs and viewpoints?

On the opposite side of the debate are those who felt strongly enough to support Chick-Fil-A on Wednesday.  Other than friends who I spent time with and my own family, no one else is aware of where I ate my meals on Wednesday.  In fact, I was intentional about not putting anything on social media because it just wasn’t about that to me.  Had I eaten at Chick-Fil-A and then posted on Facebook that I had eaten there, what would I have been saying to all of my friends with whom I disagree?  Would I be inviting them to engage in a dialogue with me about our differing viewpoints or would I simply be throwing the gauntlet and drawing the line in the sand, potentially creating an uncomfortable barrier between me and people whom I care about, regardless of our differing opinions?

This is the thing that has been troubling me beyond just this latest travesty, the lack of conversation that can take place.  Even the gentleman whose interview with Dan Cathy created this firestorm agrees that what needs to happen more than anything is for people to come together and realize that there are people on the other side of the debate.  His words speak loudly to me, “I am highly skeptical that either side in the marriage debate, or any other social or political debate for that matter, will change the others position. However, I am quite certain that it is difficult to be angry with or accuse one of bigotry while conversing over coffee.”  (If you care to read his entire article, it can be found here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-coleman/redefining-tolerance-chick-fil-a_b_1711677.html)

In this day and age of digital communication, it’s too easy to lob “grenades” through the expansive space called the internet.  I realize that there is an irony to that statement considering the medium in which this writing comes to you, but I do my best to make sure that generalizations are limited and thought-provoking statements or questions are more abundant here on my blog.

I can’t help but wonder what the intention of each side of this debate seems to be.  I’m pretty sure that it’s not really about equal rights for chickens or even the rights of fast food chains to make people fat.  I wonder if there is a difference in standing firm in one’s convictions and flaunting your beliefs.  It seems that there should be a distinction to me, a distinction which may result in more amiable outcomes.

I am not naïve, I fully understand that digital grenades will continue to be hurled, but I have the option of not taking part in that.  I can choose to do my best to stand against hypocrisy.  If I boycott one company for their contrary beliefs, I should be consistent and boycott others whose beliefs run contrary to mine.  If I am not willing to do that, I should probably just keep my mouth shut and share my convictions when asked or when they are truly in jeopardy of being taken from me.

I believe in Jesus Christ and I am convicted to live a life of obedience to Him and what I am called to through His Word.  I also believe Peter’s words in 1 Peter 3:15-17, “But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.  Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.  It is better, if it is God’s will, to suffer for doing good than for doing evil.”  That being said, my goal is to live in such a way as to have those around me, whose convictions may differ from my own, take notice of how I live my life in hopes that they might question me, giving me opportunity to share my own convictions, not with hostility and judgment, but with love, concern, and compassion.