What Just Happened?

Today, I was part of something that I never dreamed I would be a part of, in fact, my dreams would most likely never hold something quite like this.  Dreams are usually things we wish for and I would have never wished for this, for myself, and especially not for my friends and their family.  I officiated a funeral that I wish I had never had to officiate.  I'm not sure anyone would have been happy to officiate the funeral of a 6 month old whose first symptoms of sickness started on Thanksgiving Day, who received a diagnosis a few weeks later, and passed away exactly three weeks from the date of diagnosis.

But that's what today held.  How does one walk into a room to see a precious little angel, dressed in his comfy pajamas, looking as if he is asleep within a casket that should never have been made, should never have been needed?  How does one face over two hundred people while continually glancing down to see the face of this precious angel?  How does one find hope in the midst of tragedy that is seemingly devastating?

For someone like me who speaks in public regularly, is it possible that something could be a privilege and a nightmare at once?  Anyone who knows me knows that what you see is what you get, and I know that those who consider me a friend appreciate this as one of my finer qualities.  Those who don't consider me a friend are most likely offended by it, and that's fine, they can continue to hang around with people who placate them and tell them all the things that they want to hear. 

For some reason, even knowing me as he does, my friend, Henry, asked me to officiate the funeral for his precious baby boy today.  Friends are there for each other, through thick and thin, in good times and in bad (don't worry, I'm not trying to summon my innermost Stevie Wonder with a stirring rendition of "That's What Friends Are For"), they run towards you when everyone else is running in the opposite direction.  That's the kind of friend that Henry has been to me, so how could I refuse a friend?

As I watched the events of the day unfold before my eyes, I saw hundreds of people file into the chapel of a funeral home to show their love and support for a couple whose experience was atrocious.  In spite of my own desire to numbly walk through the day, to avoid all emotions and simply get through, I knew that I could not let myself do it.  I had to be engaged, I had to be a part of it, I had to be present within every moment possible.  I needed to be there for my friend.  And that's just what I did.

What I saw was astounding.  I saw hundreds of people come together under crummy circumstances and experience love.  I saw a little boy with an infectious smile, taken away much too early, be the driving force that brought people together to hear the story of a family, a family whose world had been shattered, a family that despite their shattering circumstances, was held together by love.  I heard the story about people who had shared and experienced that love, in a place and during a time where it never would be suspected that it could exist.

I heard stories of neighbors reaching out, of doctors giving up 1, 2, and 3 of their free days to be with a family in need, of fellow workers and friends who offered themselves for anything that was needed, of nurses exhibiting the kind of love and sensitivity that was necessary for such a delicate moment.  I heard stories of pain, watched countless tears be shed, and managed to shed more than my own fair share as well.

And at the end of the day, I was still standing.  Somehow, God had given me words.  Somehow, I was able to speak.  Somehow, a broken vessel like me was able to share a little bit of God's grace with others.  Somehow, in the midst of tragedy and questions, it was still evident that God was there, that He had not left, that He did indeed care, and that we were not alone.  It was still evident that part of what He gives us is each other.

The journey has just begun for my friend and his family.  It will be long and winding, it will be dark and stormy, but I know that they are not alone.  They are surrounded by good people, and despite popular belief, they are being held by a good God.

As I walked through this day, hesitant to feel the emotions that it held, I began to see glimpses of God everywhere I looked.  Instead of destroying faith, somehow this situation had restored faith in little pockets in the places where I looked.  I certainly wish that restored faith could have come under better circumstances, but somehow tragedy brought us to a place where faith seemed to be the only thing that was left.

Today is a day that I will never forget.  That my friend allowed me to share my thoughts in the midst of his grief was a privilege that I would rather not have been afforded simply because I wish the grief had never happened.  But it did, and we can't change that now.  As I said to Henry and his family, the legacy of Connor is being passed on to others, already they have begun to raise money to support research in order that a horrible disease might be eradicated.  You can find out more about that if you follow this link: http://www.jackandabby.org/

What just happened?  I experienced something that was beautifully tragic or tragically beautiful, not sure which one.  I experienced a life cut short after six months make more of an impact than some lives lived over the course of many years.  Today and every day moving forward, I will hug my children a little longer, I will linger on that kiss with my wife, I will savor the mess if it means an extra minute with my baby girl, I will soak in the moments that are before me, not rushing past them because I never know when they might be gone.  I guess what happened is nothing short of a miracle.

(Here's a picture of the balloons that were released in honor and memory of Connor.  I like the butterfly one on the far left)

In My Place

As I get older and grow in my faith, I see my sensitivity growing a little bit more each day.  Dogmatism is something that I have fought since I was in college.  While there are certainly times when dogmatism may be warranted, it’s such a dangerous thing to enter into relationships with others, especially those who might disagree with our worldview and ideology.  Over time, I have learned that it’s incredibly important to step back from a situation to objectively (as much as is possible) assess that situation.

One of the first times that I noticed this need was right after college.  I was hanging out with some friends that I had met through a church group and there was one guy who had a tendency to be a little unhinged at times.  He was a little wild, a little renegade, and it made some people uncomfortable.  Some of my friends were quick to write him off, but inside of me, there was a nagging feeling that there was a lot more to this guy than what I could see on the surface.

As I engaged in some deeper conversations with this guy, I could see some of his past hurt coming out.  It seemed to me that some of the actions that people were critical of were a result of some of that past hurt, but nobody had really dug deep enough to discover that.  I was humbled and ashamed that I had started to write the guy off just like everyone else.  I secretly vowed that I would do my best to take a step back as often as necessary to do my best to understand people.

Years later, I am certainly not perfect at it.  I probably fail to do it as often as I succeed, but I’m trying.  My wife has the gift of empathy, which I actually told her the other day to let go of when dealing with a specific situation.  But she can probably tell me more often than not that I need to embrace a little bit more empathy.

Everyone has a story and it’s rare that those stories don’t impact the way people act and react in life situations.  I can’t tell you the number of times that I encountered a strong reaction from someone that was tied to some life situation that the person was in the midst of or had just encountered.  The wisdom comes in taking that step back to be able to ask the right questions.  When I’ve done it, I’ve not been disappointed.  Those stories frame the reaction and help me to better understand that a person doesn’t have it out for me and that they aren’t trying to disrespect me, they just have a lot going on in their life and they need help and support to guide and lead them through it.

Like I said, this is not an easy thing, at least it hasn’t been easy for me.  I am always hungry for action and it can get me into trouble at times.  The need to stop, ask, listen, and assess is so prevalent because most people just don’t air their feelings out.  There is an irony in the fact that in an attempt to hide feelings, people actually begin to allow those feelings to guide and direct the way they act, often unintentionally.

A friend has reminded me many times that all of us who preach basically have one sermon that we will preach our entire lives.  There is one thing that we are passionate about that will come through in every sermon, every conversation, and every blog post in our lives.  Mine is about relationships and the need for them in our lives.  When people know who we are and know what’s going on in our lives, they’re so much more apt to extend grace to us.  If we choose to live shallowly throughout all of our relationships in life, we shouldn’t be surprised when people take us at face value every time.  While face value can be a good and safe way to live, it rarely tells us the truth about people.

Proverbs 20:5 says, “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”  I have seen this play out over and over again.  May we live as people of understanding, being willing to dig deeper below the surface to see the purposes of those with whom we are in relationship.  It’s not always easy and safe, but the results are priceless. 

Friends

I meet with a group of guys on Thursday mornings at Panera and we have been going through a book called “The Disciplines of a Godly Man.” The latest chapter was on friends and used the example of Jonathan and David. My mom always used to tell me the story of Jonathan and David from the Bible and tell me that that was where my name came from. She even had a little 45 record with a song called “Jonathan” on it that she would play for me growing up.

As we talked about friends this morning, I really got to thinking about all of the friends that I have in my life. I have been blessed with some great friends who I have known for years. There have also been some others who have felt like old friends even after only a few months or years together. These kinds of friends are invaluable and I can’t even begin to say what they mean to me.

When I was younger and more stupid than I am today, back in my 20s, I actually had the notion that I would stop making friends. I argued that Jesus hung out with 12 friends and only considered 3 of them to be really close. If he could do it, so could I. Of course, it’s never a good thing to justify your stupidity with the Bible…but people do it every day, unfortunately. I announced to my friends that they were among the elite because I would no longer be taking applications for friendship in the “Jon Club.”

Looking back at it, I’m pretty ashamed that I would even have thought those kinds of things. Some of the greatest and most reliable friends that I have were made after my declaration. Thank God that I didn’t follow through with my “brilliant” idea.

As I thought about close friends this morning, there were 5 people that came to my mind. All of them have been there for me in crucial times in my life. Some have rescued me from situations that I had gotten myself into. Some stuck of for me when others were coming down on me. Some were shoulders to cry on. Some offered incredible wisdom, advice, and support in the midst of some very difficult situations in my life. For these 5 men, I am grateful.

I am a fairly introspective person, so ponderings like this can be dangerous for me. As I began to think about these 5 friends, I began to wonder if I have been there for them in the ways that they have been there for me. I would like to think that I have, but I’m not sure.

The thing about good friends is that they don’t keep score. Really true friends are not ones who keep a tally sheet to make sure that they have been getting as much as they have been giving. While they don’t act as doormats, they certainly don’t nitpick about whether they’re being cared for unless there really is an issue.

Good friends are the kinds that you can go for longer periods without talking to and the next time you talk, it feels like no time has passed since the last time. While I regret that I can’t talk to my close friends as often as I would like, I appreciate the fact that they aren’t “high maintenance.”

As much as I keep telling myself that it’s a stage of life, this busy season that I am tangled in, I have to be careful not to use that as an excuse. As rare as friends like these are, friendships are like anything else that grows, they need cultivation, love, and care. While life has a way of getting busy, for everyone, it’s important to take time to appreciate the ones that mean so much to us. Most of us can probably name a few of them.

I’m gonna do my best to let these friends know how much they mean to me. Maybe today is the day that you take the time to remember who it is in your life that you appreciate the most, and let them know. True friendships don’t form in a day, but once they’re formed, they last a lifetime. Who are you thankful for today?