Age

I got a good laugh the other day when someone saw some pictures from my wedding day and said that I had hardly aged.  Well, that was almost 12 years ago.  My wife was complaining the other day that I was the one who turned 40 but she was the one with all of the gray hair.  I've told her countless times in the last 2 years that I expect to wake up one morning to find that my hair has turned completely white (kind of like that old Crash Test Dummies song, remember?).

Age is kind of a funny thing though.  To be honest, I have felt that I have aged about 20 years in the last 2.  So much has happened to me.  I've lost both of my parents.  I've had another child.  I've been involved with a church split.  I've graduated seminary.  Losing my parents has sucked a significant amount of life out of me, but it's also grown me in leaps and bounds.  I am a very different person than I was 2 years ago.  I have changed.

Our experiences form and shape us.  I am a firm believer that God allows our circumstances to act as crucibles of sorts, causing us to be transformed by the heat of those circumstances as the heat is turned on.  They most likely aren't circumstances that we would choose for ourselves, I know that's the way that I feel.  I would not have wished these last 2 years on people that I don't like let alone people that I care deeply about.

It's kind of funny that the circles that I have run in for most of my life have equated age and years of experience as cause for expertise, wisdom, or knowledge.  While that might seem fairly accurate, I don't really think that it is.  It completely leaves the idea of personal experience out of the equation and discounts how traumatic and stressful experiences in life can do in short periods what it would normally take years to accomplish.  That's how I feel about my past few years.

In the church we make this error too often.  We look at someone who has been around for a number of years or been a "charter member" of our church and assume spiritual maturity or expertise.  The problem is, there hasn't been a significant change in them since they signed that charter so many years ago.  Chronological age cannot be equated with spiritual or emotional maturity.

I have friends whose heads have gone completely gray.  They're a few years younger than me.  I can't explain it.  My brother started going gray years ago and I thought that it was just a result of some of the difficult decisions that he had made earlier in life.  You know what they say about hard living, right?  Looking at me, it might seem as if I'm still "wet behind the ears" and lacking experience simply because of what you can see on the outside.  Don't always judge a book by its cover though.

While I don't know that I have come far enough in my own spiritual maturity to say that I am thankful for the last few years, I can say that I am thankful that God has used them to change and transform me.  I am bolder than I ever was before.  I am more compassionate than I ever was before.  I am kinder and gentler than I was before.  At the same time, I have been angrier than I have been in a long time.  I have been lonelier than I have been in a long time.  I have been sadder than I have been in a long time.  I guess there's two sides to every coin.

What experiences have you had that have shaped and changed you?  Have you resisted them or asked God to help you through them?  When we face difficult circumstances, we have a choice in how we respond.  How will you respond?

Chaos

Anyone who has read my blog over the past few months knows that 2011 was a crazy year for my family. 2012 has not proved itself much better. My family was hit with the stomach bug right after New Year's and now my wife is working on her first cold of the school year. Props to her immune system for having gotten her through the Fall with no major issues. The difficulty is that she's got 3 kids (5, 3, and 3 1/2 months) to take care of, making it difficult to slow down.

Our house is alive with chaos. With two boys (5 and 3) there is a lot of energy and activity. We may clean up a room temporarily, only to have it completely destroyed within minutes, if not seconds. I'm really not sure how so many people with small children are able to keep their houses in order the way that they do. But I think there' a difference between a messy house and a "lived in" house. While we have probably been lingering around the former, the difference may be more subtle.

I can honestly admit that I have too much going on in my life. Most, if not all, of it is no fault of my own. Circumstances have created the situation that I find myself in and many of those circumstances are beyond my control. Caring for a parent who has been ill, taking extra responsibilities at work because of the departure of someone else, caring for my family, and trying to push through my last year of seminary are all consuming me. I am not prepared to abandon any of those things, so I find myself in a place where I need to manage the chaos.

That's really a false statement though, I cannot manage the chaos. The more that I think that I can, the more chaotic it will become. Instead, in my weakness, I rely on the strength of the One who has created me, the One who provides me what I need.

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to lead worship with some of the members of the Hillsong team from Australia. It was an incredible experience as they were humble and kind, not haughty or pompous as some who have achieved success might be. There were a number of other people who were local who had been asked to be part of the team that was leading worship for this conference.

One afternoon, between conference sessions, I sat down at the piano to play a worship song called "Still" that was written by a member of the Hillsong team. One of the vocalists, who was local like me, came in while I was playing it and mentioned to me how much that song had meant to him. It wasn't until later that I understood how much it had meant to him. The words are below:

Still

By Reuben Morgan

Hide me now, under Your wings.

Cover me, within Your mighty hand.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar,

I will soar with You above the storm.

Father, you are King over the flood,

I will be still and know You are God.

Find rest my soul, in Christ alone.

Know His power in quietness and trust.

When the oceans rise and thunders roar,

I will soar with You above the storm.

Father, you are King over the flood,

I will be still and know You are God.

I had come to find out later the story of the gentleman who had come in while I was playing this song. He had lost his wife and a few of his children when their car was caught in a flash flood. He had desperately tried to save his family, to no avail. He was a fairly young guy and there was nothing about him that gave me any indication that he had been through such a horrific event. As I played the words through in my head, I realized how powerful they must be to him.

As chaotic as life gets, as difficult as our circumstances might be, we do not serve a God who is removed from this mess. In fact, the author of Hebrews writes in Hebrews 4:14-16, "Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

I don't understand the chaos that is part of this life sometimes. I know that my chaos pales in comparison to what many other people have had to experience. I know that God never intended chaos, but it is a result of sin. Although I know these things, it doesn't take away the pain and frustration of having certain experiences, it simply gives me hope for the future.

When I experience difficulties, I do my best to heed the words of the Psalmist to be still and know that He is God. I can rise above the storms and floods and find rest in God alone. There is no better place to be in the midst of a storm than in the arms of my Father.

Here is a link to the song "Still" if you have not heard it. I hope that God can speak to you wherever you might be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXywFuTf65I

Thoughts on 2011

A few weeks ago, I started posting a Facebook status while I was in the hospital waiting to see what my next move would be with my father. He has had a really difficult few years, but 2011 was particularly difficult for him. After not having spent any significant time in the hospital for the first 68 years of his life, he was in the hospital 3 times in 2011. He lost his wife and life partner after 43 years of marriage. He retired from the church that he had poured blood, sweat, and tears into. He moved to a new place where he knew no one other than some immediate family close by.

Thinking about all that he has endured has certainly made me overwhelmed. I have been a part of it and I have had my own experiences added on to it. Somehow, only through the grace of God, I have been able to continue to stand and walk. There have been many times during 2011 that I have felt as if I were above myself, looking down, and observing what is taking place. It has felt like an out-of-body experience.

The Gibsons added a third child to our clan in 2011, just three months after my mom died. After 5 grandsons for my in-laws, they got a granddaughter, and then another one a week later when my sister-in-law had a little girl. My oldest turned 5 this year, my middle child turned 3. The oldest had his share of medical issues as we took three trips to the Emergency Room within a 3 week period. Overall, they endured pretty well, despite the many curveballs thrown into their life this past year.

My wife was a champion. Thanks to the help of friends and family, we were provided for in the midst of the tumultuous times in which we found ourselves. All we have been longing for over the last few years is a vacation. We have taken time here and there to visit family, but we have not really had a family vacation since before our children were born. One day, we will have a glorious family vacation, we’re hoping Spring 2013 when I finally graduate from seminary.

As I have surveyed the past year, I found myself bemused at the wisdom and experience that I have gained. I began to wonder what it would have been like 20 years ago if I knew then what I know now. Somehow, I sailed through college with just average grades. I didn’t work as hard as I could/should have, yet I didn’t fail anything. Now, I find myself in seminary and I am obsessively working to accomplish all that is before me.

How is it that when I was in college and younger, with no wife, no children, no permanent job, no house, no major bills, and no aging parents, that I couldn't get good grades and now that I have all of those things, I somehow manage to do very well? While some of it has to do with responsibility and time management, I can only attribute it to the power of God in me and the power of the prayers lifted up on my behalf.

There is no loss of love between me and 2011. I have never been one to moan about the past year while looking towards the year to come, but this year may be an exception. While I don’t expect life to be simple and easy, I certainly don’t expect that many years will replicate 2011, and for that I am grateful. Coming through the fog and smoke that is left by the storms and fires of 2011 has made me stronger and wiser. While I have endured much, there are plenty of others who endure much more every day.

I am grateful for my friends and family. There are too many people to name who have given so much to help my family during this year. My church family has been incredibly gracious and loving, lifting us up in prayer and inundating us with cards and emails. My family has been phenomenal. I have some great blood relatives who have been incredible during this year. My aunt and uncle are two people who will certainly be greeted by our Lord with the words, “well done, good and faithful servants.” My children have loved me unconditionally even when I have lost my cool and patience.

There are hardly words to describe just what my wife has had to face this past year. She suffered loss when my mom died as well. My mother was always thrilled to have both my wife and my brother’s wife as “daughters” even though they were not her own flesh and blood. My wife’s empathy was apparent in the midst of my own grief. She showed her resolve as she gave birth to our third child through natural child birth, causing me to be thankful that I have not had to endure all that she has in giving birth 3 times.

My wife has supported me, cried with me, prayed for me, and loved me through it all. She has not complained. She has not been unreasonable. She has simply loved in a way that has shown me, our children, and the world that she is fueled by something greater within her. I love her and am thankful for the gift that I have in her.

There are words and gestures that I would like to say and to give to 2011 as it rolls away in the horizon of my rearview mirror, but I won’t. I will simply look ahead at what is in store for the future. God has been faithful, he has not left me or abandoned me. In my weakness, he has been strong. May 2012 be a year full of opportunities which I seize, opportunities that shape and mold me to be who I need to be in Christ. My only wish and hope is that they are not as painful as those of 2011.

Really? Are You Kidding Me?

This catch phrase has become my trademark over the past 12 months. It's become somewhat of a joke, probably because if I take it too seriously, I'll begin a descent into depression. So, it's kind of good to laugh at it. So much has happened with my family over the last 12 months, I really have come to that place where I continue to state this question, over and over again.

The thing is, I have to move past the selfish part of the question. Ultimately, that's what I end up making it about: me. How have I been inconvenienced? How are my feelings impacted? How is my life dramatically changed? When those are the only questions that I ask, it's easy to find myself in a place of anger, bitterness, and frustration. But when I begin to think about all of those same questions for others, the focus moves off of me and onto things that are a little bit more significant and important.

During this Christmas season, I have a job. I have a house. Although we have experienced loss, I still have my family. I am able to provide meals for my children. If we need a doctor, we can go. There are hospitals around for emergencies. We have friends who care for and pray for us. Compared to a good portion of the world, we are living in the lap of luxury.

If I drive just a few miles away, to the place where my dad is currently in the hospital, I will experience a very different world. There are people who don't have the things that I have. There are people who are looking for warm and dry places to sleep. There are people who want to find something to eat, anything to eat. I am not in their situation. I do not understand their situation. If I am willing, I can help to change their situation.

Right now, my life is fairly chaotic. I look around at a messy office and a messy house and get frustrated, then I remember that there are way worse things in the world than messiness.

The main problem is what I mentioned in my last post, I am trying to hold it all together. I am looking to muster up everything that I can to "fix" the situations that surround me, and I can't. I don't have the strength or capacity to do such a thing, nor am I supposed to.

When the Apostle Paul was writing one of his letters to the church in Corinth, he told them about something that he struggled with. He didn't name what it was, but based on what he said, it must have been inconvenient enough that he asked God to take it away from him. Not once. Not twice. Three times. In fact, it wasn't an asking but a pleading with God to take it away. I don't get the feeling that Paul was saying "please" and "thank you" in his language to God.

But God didn't take it away. In fact, he was given an answer that is a good reminder to all of us who find ourselves in difficulty, adversity, and challenging situations. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Wow! Not sure that I am at that place yet. It's hard to get through the difficulties, let alone rejoice over them. It's hard to break my selfish will and see beyond the "me" of the situation. Maybe that's why I continue to struggle. Maybe that's why things continue to be a challenge for me.

Regardless, I have been given today to do what I need to do. There is no guarantee of tomorrow for me or anyone else. The future-thinking idealism of the Western world is a foreign concept to so many in other parts of the world. In some ways, it's a stark contrast from what we are called to do as followers of Jesus Christ. Who are we relying on? Ourselves or him? Whose strength is empowering us?

I have today, with all of its challenges and opportunities. Will I make the most of them, or will I complain that I have to deal with them? I am sure that I am not the only way who faces these challenges or has to answer this question. I am sure my challenges may pale in comparison to the challenges of others. Today, I choose to serve the Lord, that might mean challenging and trying situations, but if I'm not trying to hold it all myself, they won't be as challenging as I might think.