Grace in the Midst

There are plenty of people who have endured far worse than me, I am completely aware of that.  At the same time, we only know the feeling of what we experience ourselves.  Empathy may give us a twinge of the experiences of others, but we can only truly know what an experience is like when we endure it ourselves.

I never thought that I would have lost both of my parents by the time that I was 40 years old.  I had dreamed of such a different life for them than what they experienced over the last few years.  They had dreamed of a much different life than what they experienced.

While there are many things that I am grieving over, I have been marveling at God’s grace to me during this time.  As I waited for the funeral home to come and pick up my father, I stood there thinking not about how bad it sucked (although it does suck pretty badly) but at some of that grace that I felt like I had received.  Here are just a few.

1)   I had the privilege of being with both of my parents when they passed from this life to the next.  That doesn’t happen every day and I know that there are many who were not afforded that same privilege.  I am grateful that I was there.

2)    I have had the flexibility of a job that has allowed me to work from remote locations over the past two years.  Thanks to modern technology, much of what I do as a pastor can be accomplished in “The Cloud.”  Anywhere that I can get internet access, I can work.  That has been a Godsend.

3)    Smartphones.  I have felt completely “in touch” with access to email and other things through my phone.  I have had so many things at my fingertips that I never would have believed.

4)    My aunt and uncle have been the greatest champions of all to my family.  They have humbly and quietly served with no desire for accolades or gifts, but what they have done has been nothing less than shining Christ’s love to me and my family.  Thank you Audrey and Roy.

5)    My wife has been a strong support for me.  She has done whatever it is that she can to help me and has not complained.  She has put up with my mood swings as I have been grieving for quite some time over both my mom and dad.  Her empathy and compassion as well as her counseling background have proved priceless.

6)    My children.  Holding my little girl as my father’s body was loaded into the funeral home van was comforting.  Their smiles and craziness have brought me back to the reality that they are still here and in desperate need of a father to love them, just like my father loved me.

I grieve.  I mourn.  I am broken.  But in the midst of it all, God has still chosen to give me glimpses of His grace in ways that I can hardly believe.  I am thankful and grateful, even as I hurt.

Open Eyes

This past weekend, the community in which I live was jolted awake by the senseless murder of a high school student. Students and parents alike have been shocked, they have had their worlds upended at such an act of violence in a fairly quiet, suburban town. How could something like this happen? What caused it? How do we prevent it from happening again in the future?

The initial blow of something like this always causes fairly volatile and raw emotions to flow freely from those who have been most affected. Attempts to reconcile violence are rarely simple. We live in a fallen world, broken and twisted by sin, and the resulting aftermath of that is never easy or simple, nor is it ever comfortable to live with. Life can be difficult and sometimes causes us to wrestle with questions that have no simple or easy answers.

I grew up in a small, quiet, suburban town in Connecticut. There were a number of times throughout my childhood that our community was rocked by things that seemed so out of place. Just because a community comes across as a real-life Bedford Falls does not mean that there are not deeper secrets lurking beneath the surface. When those secrets come out, which they will inevitably do, they are met with resistance and disbelief, especially for those who don’t approach life with open eyes.

I work in a church. I am a pastor. My family is in church every Sunday that we are healthy. Our presence in church does not excuse us from the reality of life. We are not immune from bad things simply because we believe in God. I also realize that it is not the responsibility of my children’s Sunday school teachers or school teachers to teach them certain things in life. I am a parent, whether I like it or not, that comes with certain responsibilities. I did not have children so that someone else could raise my children. I did not have children to arrange like ornaments on a tree, they are not simply for show.

There are things in my life that I have done that no one would have expected from me. I was not proud of them, but I do not dwell on them. Through Christ, I am forgiven. In many ways, my parents were pretty oblivious to those things. I grew up with other kids who were involved in things that their parents could probably never have imagined. If the truth was discovered further down the road, it most likely came as a shock.

Although my children are very young, the relationships that I establish with them now will determine the relationships that I have with them in the future. If I am not involved with who they spend time with, what they look at, what they read, and what they listen to now, how much will I be involved with any of that stuff when it can have a dramatic influence on them?

I learned a long time ago that one of the worst phrases that I could ever utter is “I would never…” I have seen the repercussions of eating those words after they have exited my mouth. I have seen others do the same thing. I will not say that I will never be a parent who does or does not do something. I am a flawed and broken individual who is in need of grace, that’s what Christ is and does for me, brings me that grace.

I know that I want my children to feel comfortable being honest with me. I want them to know that there are consequences to certain actions, but I don’t want those consequences to prevent them from telling the truth. It has been my experience that the consequences of truthfulness are much less severe than the consequences of dishonesty, especially when that dishonesty is discovered. We can only hide from the truth for so long before it finally makes itself known.

I want to be a parent with open eyes. I want to see my children through the eyes of love that God has given me, but I do not want that love to blind me to the fact that they are as fallen and broken as me. They need a savior as much as I do. They are as capable of making mistakes and poor choices as I am. Grace is allowing them the freedom to let that happen and still loving them afterwards. It is also the realization that there are consequences to mistakes and choices, sometimes irreversible.

I hope and pray that lessons can be learned from the tragedy that my community has experienced. I pray that parents might look at their children with open eyes of love, seeing them as “perfect” and yet willingly admitting that they have their flaws. I have always joked that my wife and I did enough things when we were young to keep us pretty well-informed about the potential things our own children might get into in the future. Even with that to be considered, we still remain fallible. May God continue to form and shape us to be who we need to be in Him. May He give us the grace that we need and the wisdom and discernment to know how best to handle the situations that life will inevitably throw at us.